Worst practices for your helpdesk

I was inspired by a great speech by Charles Edge I saw at MacSysAdmin 2014 where he talked about the opposite of best practices he discovered throughout his career.

So I decided to blatantly steal this idea. Here are some worst practices if you take care of a helpdesk in your company. (Also works if you do tech support for friends and family)

Always be grumpy

Man, working at the helpdesk sucks. Always those stupid idiots with their stupid problems. Most of them can’t even use a computer properly. Here’s a tip for you: if you look really pissed, they will leave you alone.

Don’t fix something proactively

They need you. And they have to know it. So naturally, if you encounter something that could be a problem some day, don’t worry about fixing it. Especially when it’s something you didn’t break. Let the people come to you.

Never explain what you are doing

You are the guy who does all the magic. So when you fix a computer or resolve some problem, never explain to the user what you are doing. They wouldn’t get it anyway, right?

Yell at your colleagues

Someone moved their desk and dared to unplug the network cable from their computer? That’s reason enough to flip out and show them who’s boss. They won’t do it again if you yell loud enough. Plus, they fear and respect you now.

the louder you speak, the more important it is.

the louder you speak, the more important it is. (Reference to a german trash tv episode: Psycho Andreas)

Always talk in technical terms

Someone repeatedly asked what the problem was? Alright… just tell it to him. “There was slight field variance in the multi-spacial flow engine. We had to to completely resynchronize the primary and auxiliary autosequencers, or the resulting output decay would have caused a catastrophic thoron dump.”
Make sure you use as much specialized words as possible. That way the user can at least learn something.

Showering once a month is enough

That’s not just ecologically ingenious to save water, no, it even brings out that sexy musty smell of yours. Everyone will unconsciously be attracted to you. They move away from you? Juuust get closer.

That’s it for now. Have some more worst practices? Write them in the comments!

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